I have a disorganized attachment style. It was an incredible feeling when I first learned the term: for the first time in my life, I had a phrase to describe it all: what I had been through, how I approached things, and why I acted in the seemingly contradictory ways that I do.
I have a pretty good idea of where this comes from: I did not have a great childhood; while it was materially quite comfortable, it was emotionally cold, neglectful; perhaps even abusive.
On paper, my mother loved me very much. In reality, it was far more nuanced, far more conditional — she was only able and willing to love me on her own terms. Nothing puts that idea in quite so much perspective than this: She told me that she’d murder me if it turned out that I was gay.
Consider this, from the Attachment Project, on how children form disorganized attachment styles:
The survival of the infant/child depends on the caregivers. The child knows that subconsciously, so he or she seeks safety in the caregivers. A problem arises when the source of safety becomes a source of fear.
If the caregivers show highly contrasting behavior, which is inconsistent and unpredictable, the child can start fearing his or her own safety.
The child does not know what to expect. Nor does the child know when the caregiver will meet their needs, if at all.
“Disorganized Attachment: Causes & Symptoms” — The Attachment Project
The more that I have thought about it, the more that I feel my current struggles were inevitable. After all, the very person who was supposed to be my ultimate source of safety — the person who was supposed to love me, and care for me, and support me no matter what — was the biggest threat to my continued living.
How could I have done anything but develop a disorganized attachment style?
I have essentially zero experience being a Dominant, and even I know that this isn’t something that any Dom — Master, Owner, Alpha, anyone — could easily handle.
In my day-to-day life, I have adopted enough strategies and coping mechanisms that this innate anxiety does not affect me that much. I think I get along reasonably well in most contexts, and I’m not as closed off as I used to be. I’m now able to get a little invested in relationships with others, even though I’m still hesitant about the possibility that I might get hurt.
But a Master-slave relationship is one like no other.
My concept of slavehood requires the surrender of all control, of all judgment, of all reservations. The slave is to give itself, wholly and fully, to the commands of its Master, and the Master gets to use His slave in much the same way as He might use His hands and feet.
That comes with its own set of obligations and responsibilities for the Master, though — and perhaps none as paramount as the responsibility for Master to protect and maintain His slave’s well-being. This includes the slave’s physical wellness, but also its mental and emotional health — and its Master has to protect the slave not only from any harms from the outside, but the threats to the slave from within the slave’s mind itself.
When I submit as a slave, I do so with the intention that there will be nothing that would ever be hidden from Master — there would be no secrets, no reservations, no topic or place that’s taboo for Master to discuss or discover. It might not happen from the beginning of submission, but it is where I intend to reach.
And until I feel that this is possible, I would not submit as a slave. Perhaps as your sub for the time being, or as a playmate, or even as a pup, but not as your slave.
But the very same limits that I want to surrender are the same guardrails that stop most people from transgressing in a way that can serious damage the relationship. I am not vulnerable to my coworkers in the same way that I am vulnerable to my Master, and the harm from Him can be inflicted in just a single moment in a way that nobody else ever could
It only takes one pinprick of a threat for things to go wrong, because my subconscious is always on threat-assessment overdrive. As soon as I sense that a threat is more than theoretical
This isn’t fair on any Master or Owner who wishes to take control of me.
But my acting this way has nothing to do with Him as a Master, as an Owner, or as any other kind of Dominant. It’s the reality that He is working against over 20 years of trauma, and those were most formative 20 years of my life.
It makes me sad, but I’ve realized that my Master, my Owner, my Alpha, whomever — He must recognize that He does not get the benefit of the doubt. I cannot give it to Him. I’m not able to give it to Him.
He has to approach me, to train me, to take me as His, from a place where He knows that He has already been found guilty of hurting me and He has to prove Himself otherwise to beyond so, so much doubt.
Are there any of you out there…?